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Is Your Relationship Dysfunctional? by Randi Gunther

~Is Your Relationship Dysfunctional?
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IIdentifying the Markers That Can Get You Back on Track
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,’.¼ RANDI GUNTHER
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(‘ Learning Outcomes
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After reading this article, you will be able to:

• Define the term dysfunctional.
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•· • Identify and explain common destructive patterns in
· relationships.

· • Recognize strategies and patterns used in healthy
relationships.

·An relationships are more or less dysfunctional in dif-
. ferent ways and at different times. No perfect relation-

. ships exist. In order to stay in a committed relationship,
most intimate partners adapt to many disappointments and
disillusionments during the time they’re together. If there is
enough good in the relationship to compensate, they weather
those distresses and continue to love each other.

But, if over time, more heartaches than good times happen,
the relationship bond weakens. Significantly painful events
that occur during that time can be deal breakers. Even initially
90 percent positive relationships can fail after too many broken
promises or repeatedly unresolved conflicts. Ifcumulatively dys­
functional interactions occur, the relationship will not likely sur­
vive a major deal breaking situation. Suppressed disillusionments
weaken that foundation and make relationship more likely to fail.

Many couples push relationship distresses under the rug
without resolution and find much later that they are unable to
recover from these festering sorrows. Identifying and explor­
ing these typical relationship damagers might have helped.
Had the partners recognized them as they were occurring, they
might have had a different perspective and learned some new
ways to cope before it was too late. By understanding what

their dysfunctional patterns are, couples can strive to over­
come them.

I have never seen a long-term relationship that didn’t exhibit
its own unique self-destructive behaviors. Each couple also has
its own way of dealing with them, from ignoring their presence
to constantly trying to eradicate them. Successful couples learn,
over time, to do whatever they can to diminish these damaging
effects. To stay committed to each other, they focus more on the
things they love about each other and to minimize troublesome
situations.

The following 10 common dysfunctional behaviors should
seem familiar to you. They are representations of negative pat­
terns that most couples experience. You may have your own
that are not listed here, but identifying and recognizing these
ten will give you the heads up for others you may share and
help you stop them from damaging your commitment to each
other.

Assignment of Blame
“There’s been a malfunction. Who’s to blame?” This immedi­
ate response to a conflict predicts significant hopelessness for
resolution. Blame, guilt, defensiveness, counter-accusations,
and excuses will certainly follow. By the time either partner
finally agrees or doesn’t agree as to who is the accountable cul­
prit, the relationship has taken a hit. “Something’s gone wrong.
What can we learn about what happened, how can we prevent it
from happening again, and how can we heal each other,” works
much better. It requires that both partners are willing to look at
their own accountability and reactions. Blame never results in
a good outcome.

No one feels good when their partners are disappointed,
disillusioned, or blaming of them. People can get in terrible,

94

Psychology of Well-Being

repetitive arguments that go in circles for long periods of time,
careening between blame and defensiveness. If accusations of
blame were not thrown around in the beginning, and replaced
with mutual and willing accountability, most partners would be
more open to a more effective resolution.

Threats of Exile or Abandonment
“I’m out of here.” “Get out and stay away from me.” Both these
phrases are often expressed when the partners in an intimate
relationship are exasperated, frustrated, hurt, and angry at each
other. Blame activates fears of loss and feelings of worthless­
ness in the recipient, not good experiences for lovers to engen­
der for any reason.

Often, these words are only meant in the moment and are
usually retracted later. Even when the negative feelings sub­
side, the wounds often remain and accumulate. If they aren’t
taken seriously, they mean nothing. If they are, they may be the
tip of an iceberg of dwindling commitment, especially if they
are repeated in subsequent conflicts.

More men than women fear exile. More women than men
fear abandonment. Both are the reciprocals of each other, and
neither is ever a healthy way to resolve differences. If you ever
use those phrases, make sure you mean them. Someday, your
partner may take you seriously.

Dominance/Submission
Who has the ultimate power to make decisions in your relation­
ship when you cannot agree as to a solution that satisfies both
of you? If the relationship is a power hierarchy where one part­
ner consistently is on top, the other, more adaptive partner will
eventually lose hope and stop fighting as hard in succeeding
conflicts. That leaves all the responsibility for the outcome on
the shoulders of the top guy, and submission, martyrdom, and
resentment in the emotional belly of the other.

In better relationships, the decision of the moment is gener­
ously given by either partner to the one who is better at that
particular capability at that time. There is no need for either to
always have more than fifty percent influence. When both part­
ners see themselves as members of a great, effective team, nei­
ther player needs to be right all the time, or automatically get to
direct the outcome of any situation. They work for the ultimate
best function of the relationship, regardless of who is given the
power at the time, and do so with compromise and support.

Grudges
Grudges come from unexplored, unexpressed, or powerless
complaints that are not responded to with due consideration.
Grudges can start small and seem too insignificant to fight
about but, once buried, can fester and grow.

People who harbor grudges usually do so across the board.
They often feel victimized by others, bitter about unfair losses,
and resentful of actual or exaggerated injustices. When con­
fronted by their partners, they usually will not reveal the depth
of their resentment, but act it out in indirect ways or bring up a
slew of past affronts in the middle of an argument.

Intimate partners who carry grudges don’t ever let go of the
past. They feel powerless in the present without using grudges
to fortify their position. Underneath, they often see themselves
as people who have been repeatedly cheated.

Ownership
Dysfunctional relationships are all about one person’s emo­
tional “ownership” of the other. Whatever the owning part­
ner wants or needs, the owned partner must acquiesce for the
minimization of anxiety or dissolution of threats to quiet down.
There is only one-way concern and empathy, and it is not in the
mind and heart of the partner who feels possession.

In functional, mutually supportive relationships, neither
partner feels that they own the course of another’s life. They
know and accept that couples who truly care want each other’s
dreams to come true. Of course, they would rather be part of
those dreams and there is grieving when that cannot be, but
they would never ask that their partners become less of who
they were meant to be just to stay together. That doesn’t mean
that they quit easily or run when things are tough. They are
open and authentic with each other from the beginning and sad
endings are not unexpected.

Interestingly enough, those partners who love without con­
trol are rarely left behind. They are rare specimens of what it
means to feel true chivalry, the exquisite satisfaction of making
sure that someone loved is free to stay or go. When that door is
truly open, few partners go through it. They know that they are
with someone who is not easy to replace.

Disloyalty
Destructive triangles are often part of dysfunctional relation­
ships. One partner talks to someone outside the relationship
about the intimate situations that lie within it without the other

‘ partner’s knowing or consent. That confidante then knows
things about that partner they may have no right to know. He or
she, armed with information the other partner does not know is
shared, may offer advice that may alter the situation unilaterally.

It is common for friends to gain advice and support from other
friends when they are distressed about their relationships, but
there is a big difference when doing so means selling out their
partners’ most intimate and vulnerable feelings and behaviors.
It is especially problematic when the unknowing partner is also
friends with the confidante. The resulting awkwardness can be
significantly uncomfortable and many a time that trusted friend

Is Your Relationship Dysfunctional? by Randi Gunther

tells the outside partner. Now the concomitant disloyalties mul­
tiply, leaving everyone in the triangle wondering who to trust.

Winner or Loser Arguments
When couples argue, they usually stop listening to each other
early in that conflict. Within a very short period of time, it would

,; be difficult for either to know or understand what the other is
feeling. Great conflict resolution, on the other hand, can only

when the partners in an intimate relationship stay deeply
. connected to their own feelings and also those of the other.

It is like a powerfully effective debate. At the blowing of a
symbolic whistle, each could play the other’s part. They realize
that there are two sides to every disagreement and that compro­
mise often requires innovation. That means that both partners
are mutually searching for a resolution that holds both of their
needs intact as much as possible.

Arguments are very different. Each partner will use what­
ever means are at hand to push his or her side-of the “truth” no
matter what the other needs. They may go on for round after
round, losing sight of whatever they were arguing about to
begin with, because neither is willing to give up his or her point
of view or accept defeat. Eventually, all arguments cease. There
is usually no clear winner or loser, because the couple now has
to figure out how to resume intimate connection and both are
either hurting or mad.

Most arguments neither solve a problem nor help either
partner feel better about themselves. Assumptions are made on
both sides and acted upon as if they were true. There is little
inquiry or openness to any reasoning that might upend what is
already felt or demanded. The argument ends when one or the
other partner is just too tired to go on and retreats. Too many of
these unresolved conflicts predict potential relationship failure.
Emotional scars form that can make each succeeding negative
interaction less likely to result in healing.

Snapshots Versus Moving
Pictures
More men live in the moment and capture that moment with
an emotional or mental snapshot. Though they seem to enjoy
thinking about the past and future in battle, business, or sports,
they strongly avoid doing so in their intimate relationships.

More women, on the other hand, are weavers of time. In
their intimate relationships, they want to remember the past and
anticipate the future, concerned about not repeating repetitive
negative patterns and making a better future by doing so. They
are content with snapshots of memories that bring back nos­
talgic feelings to enrich the moment, but need to make them
relevant to what comes next.

Obviously, both genders are capable of using the past as the
best source of learning, and the future as the most reliable place
to plan for, but do that in different areas. To achieve a better
compromise, they must enter each other’s important realities
and share that experience. There is no way to keep the past from
being repeated in the future without that kind of teamwork.

Boundary Violations
Boundaries are the way people keep their internal vulnerabilities,
concerns, and insecurities safe. The way we were raised as chil­
dren plays a significant part in how easily we give up our rights to
those decisions. Parents who consistently violate boundaries teach
their children that they have no right to privacy in any situation.

In dysfunctional relationships, one or both partners often feel
little conflict about entering the other’s private world without
permission. They believe that what is their partner’s is also theirs,
without question or concern. That can apply to material things,
thoughts, feelings, plans, or desires. “What’s mine is mine, and
what’s yours is mine,” is their appropriate justification. And, in
addition, once any of those “possessions” are usurped, they can
be used in any way the partner now in possession wishes.

The other end of sorrowful dysfunction is when a partner
doesn’t know his or her boundary rights and gives up what is their
right without question or argument. That means acquiescing to any
demand the other partner wants, whether it is good for them or not.

Partners who violate boundaries may do so, not so much out
of maliciousness, but out of the fear that their partners are keep­
ing things from them that would affect their lives if they knew.
Those who allow their boundaries to be violated may be seek­
ing intimate blending without thought of consequences.

Early in romantic relationships, people often throw away
the need for privacy and open their boundaries to their lovers
without screening. Later, when either partner feels the need for •
privacy or separate thoughts, the other partner may feel rejected
or abandoned. Sharing every thought and feeling may feel tem­
porarily sweetly blending but, over time, can result in the loss
of mystery and challenge.

Fear of Loss
The more a partner is attached to a relationship, the more he
or she will fight for it if it seems threatened in any way. Being
attached is not the same as being involved, interdependent, or
deeply connected. Those are three healthy responses to a non­
ownership relationship. Intense attachment, like a child might
feel on the other end of a potentially abandoning parent, pro­
duces a feeling of anticipatory grief at the thought of losing the
relationship. It can drive the person feeling threatened into a
desperate grappling to hold on to it at any cost.

Psychology of Well-Being

The sadness of that kind of response is that it usually has the
opposite effect; it ultimately pushes the desired partner away.
To stop the anxious partner’s terror, he or she must be able to
self-soothe, ease off, and focus on attending to the needs of
that partner. If love is strong enough, those behaviors might be
alright for a while, but no one wants to be on a shelf, waiting to
be needed on demand.

How Dysfunctional Is Your
Intimate Relationship?
If you willingly take a look at the ways your relationship is not
functioning well, you can change those behaviors in the oppo­
site direction and get back on track.

Take this short quiz to determine your relationship dysfunc­
tional quotient. Give yourself an answer ranging from 1 to 5
based on the following definitions.

Never 1
Occasionally 2
A little too much 3
Frequently 4
Always 5

1. When you and your partner have a conflict, do you
spend a lot of time determining who the bad guy is and
making sure he or she is “properly punished?” __

2. When you feel hurt, angry, or threatened, do you
threaten your partner with exile or abandonment? __

3. Does one of you always have to have the last word and
the right to determine the outcome? __

4. Does either of you hold grudges against the other for
long periods of time and then erupt in a fight with held­
back feelings of resentment? __

5. Do you feel you have the right to tell your partner how
he or she must behave in the relationship? __

6. Does either of you share confidences about the other
without permission? __

7. When you have a fight, does someone always have to
win at the expense of the other? __

8. Do you forget the past mistakes and continue making
them in the future? __

9. Do you disrespect each other’s boundaries and violate
them for your own comfort? __

10. Do you react strongly and fight in whatever way you
can if you think the relationship is threatened? __

Add up your scores.

1-10 Your relationship is not dysfunctional
11-20 You are practicing some dysfunctional interactions
21-30 You are entering the danger zone of too many dys­

functional interactions
31-40 Your relationship is in trouble
41-50Ifyou don’t begin soon to do things differently, your

relationship might fall apart

Remember, the reason to approach this from a negative point
of view is for you to stop these behaviors and move them in
a positive direction. Even just diminishing them will give you
a head start and will result in your seeing what you could do
better.

Critical Thinking
1. The author states that “All relationships are more or less

dysfunctional in different ways and at different times.” Do
you agree or disagree? Justify your response.

2. Of the dysfunctional behaviors listed, which do you see
as the most damaging and destructive to relationships and
why? Why do you think couples continue to engage in these
behaviors and patterns even though they are damaging their
relationships?

3. Take the short quiz at the end of the article. How did you
do? Given your survey results, what can you do to improve
the quality of your relationship with your partner? Why is
changing patterns in relationships so difficult?

Internet References
Love is Respect

www.loveisrespect.org

National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family
www.thebowencenter.org

Two of Us
www.twoofus.org .,

DR. RANDI GUNTHER is a counselor specializing in singles and couples
counseling for over 40 years. Gunther has a free advice e-newsletter,
“Heroic Love,” which focuses on how to avoid the common pitfalls
that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love, how to find
the right partner, avoid the dreaded “honeymoon is over” phenomenon,
and prevent relationships from boredom. www.heroiclove.com

Randi Gunther, “Is Your Relationship Dysfunctional,” from Psychology Today, January 13, 2015. Copyright© 2015 by Randi Gunther. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

www.heroiclove.com

www.twoofus.org

www.thebowencenter.org

http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org

www.loveisrespect.org