Touchstone 3 - Assignment Essays

Running head:

English Composition

English Composition I

Re-defining beauty

Mohammed Alshaghathirah Comment by Lisa Quigley: Hello Mohammed, Lisa here, your grader for this touchstone☺️.

Sophia Learning

English Composition

Re-defining beauty Comment by Lisa Quigley: Appropriate title!☺️

What makes an individual or something beautiful? Growing up, every individual has come across movie stars, celebrities or models, who have embodied what is referred as the ‘perfect’ body or facial features. Society has put much emphasis on physical beauty such as the body size, height or skin color and other physical attraction while defining beauty. As a result, this has set a certain mindset of trying to live up to those unreasonable traits or versions, established by the so-called societal intellectual strata. For example: the Korean beauty standards, which prioritizes small face, pale skin, large eyes, slim figure, smooth skin and straight eyebrows. Merriam Webster online dictionary defines beauty as “aggregated of qualities” in an individual or something, which “gives pleasure to sense” or “pleasurably exalts the spirit or the mind”. Most people would say, what makes one beautiful it’s their body shape, facial features and other common traits, which people seek out. The traditional definition of beauty mostly reckoned the inner beauty, where people kept perfecting as well as fine-tuning their personalities and moral values, while the modern definition focused more on the outer beauty. Therefore, from personal re-definition, beauty is a full expression and manifestation of who an individual is on the inside rather than how they appear. It does not matter how an individual’s complexion is, beauty should be viewed as an individual’s moral compass, traits and personality as well as attitude towards the world. As such, from a personal perspective, the definition of beauty should be broad enough to include the

inner light
,

characteristics and personality
of something or someone. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Great start on this thesis. You may want to also include a reference to the traditional or dictionary definition of beauty in this thesis so the reader can compare. For example, “The definitions of beauty should broaden beyond __________________________________to include inner light, characteristics and personality.
Your body paragraphs should address these two examples of an extended definition. The topic sentences of the two body paragraphs should describe these two ideas from thesis.

First of all, The idea that beauty has particular qualities, traits or standards is obsolete in nature because beauty encompasses different facets, which are beyond those stereotypes. For centuries, the skin and how an individual appeared was utmost significant when the society judged someone as beautiful. For example, the ancient Greeks believed the key to beauty was the perfect proportion of one’s body or face. This is also common in today’s modern world. However, beauty goes beyond societal measures. For instance: if an individual with physical disabilities participates in voluntary projects aimed at helping other people in the community who are physically disabled, they can be viewed as a beautiful individual. Their physical appearance might not be as per societal standards but there is a beauty in their characteristics. Even though the person is physically disabled, being willing to help others makes them beautiful. But can people who are unwilling to help others, even when they can be referred to as beautiful? Therefore, beauty should not be limited to particular standards because it does not matter if an individual fits into these standards or not, their personality or traits matter. Not every individual would judge others based on their complexion, some will consider someone beautiful based on their inner light or personality they possess. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Is this main idea stated in your thesis. Remember, examples of your unique definitions of beauty become are the main ideas for your body paragraphs. Make sure each idea is unique and stated in the thesis. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Relevant supporting details. Comment by Lisa Quigley: This concluding sentence would make a great topic sentence (restated) since it states the main idea of this paragraph and track to the thesis.

In addition, Beauty is more than what is perceived. The premise of beauty focuses on everything in someone, from their appearance and most importantly their mind, soul and heart, which are things that make one truly beautiful and attractive. An individual can have the most perfect face but if they hate themselves or their traits hurt other people, then they lack real beauty. Beauty goes beyond just complexion and cannot be touched or seen with the naked eyes. The truth is, in defining beauty, one should overlook the true essence of what is within an individual, given all the credit to the physical appearance. For example: a nurse might be physically attractive, but their ability to sacrifice their time and take care of the patient without any discrimination, makes them beautiful. It is beyond how they appear and their actions. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Would this topic sentence improve if it clarified what sensory mode the perception is coming from. For example, “Beauty is more than what is perceived visually.”
This idea should be specifically state your thesis. Comment by Lisa Quigley: I think this idea may be similar to the main idea in the previous paragraph. You want the body paragraphs to have their own unique main idea.

Finally, People’s view or perception of beauty differs. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” This old adage view of beauty might be true. A universal definition of beauty can never be ignored or denied. This idiom expresses the idea that not all individuals have the same opinion on beauty. Beauty is the matter of opinion. If I find someone beautiful because of their personality, someone else might not find them attractive or beautiful, depending on how they view beauty. For example: one individual might be attracted to a certain celebrity because they think they appear beautiful while another might be attracted to them because of their actions and perspective on the world. Therefore, the word “beauty” has many definitions and interpretations as well as multiple ways of manifesting itself in the real world. Thus, the idea that beauty can have standards or particular qualities does not might not apply in the real world. People who view or define beauty depending on what they have been taught and not how to internally view it, are not aware of what “beauty” means. Comment by Lisa Quigley: This topic sentence idea for extension may rely too much on the traditional definition of beauty. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Consistent use of objective, informative language.☺️ Comment by Lisa Quigley: Great in-text transition.

In conclusion, the concept of beauty can be challenging to define as how each individual perceives beauty is constantly influenced by their own experiences, culture or beliefs that contribute to their depiction of what beauty means. Given that some people view beauty in terms of physical appearance while others through one’s soul, personality and other inner beauty qualities, it is wrong to only define beauty based on one point of view. As such, having a broad definition, which combines both inner and outer beauty, including more than what people perceive, is significant. I believe beauty can be redefined as full expressions and manifestation of who an individual is on the inside, from their soul, heart and mind, rather than how they appear. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Great use of a transition. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Since this is an informative essay, the tone and style should be objective and unbiased. Avoid stating personal opinions to maintain that informative tone.

Think about Your Writing

Part 2: questions

1.
What is the significance of your essay? Why should readers care about what you have written? (2-3 sentences).

Having people decide what is beautiful or not, whether thin or fat has always been a way of living, in which people succumb to. This essay helps the reader understand that the concept of ‘beauty’ is broader and what we define as beautiful should not be inclusive but also diverse without considering all beauty stereotypes. I believe that my readers will care about what have written because not only will it broaden their understanding on beauty but also help them let go of the impossible standards and understand what is considered as a flaw in the society can also be beautiful. For example, having stretchmarks, being thick or ancient buildings.

2.
Which areas of your draft do you think will benefit most from revision? (2-3 sentences)

In the first revision, have tried focusing more on the overall organization of the draft and the big picture. However, I think more strengthening on each paragraph might be needed. As such, I think my overall organization will benefit the most from revision.

3.
Consider the strengths and weaknesses of your writing. How can you capitalize on your strengths and improve on your weaknesses in future essays? (3-4 sentences)

One of my main weaknesses is writing deficiencies, where I find it challenging figuring out how to write down my ideas or what am thinking. However, I can improve this by making writing one of daily exercise and always getting feedbacks from others. As for my strength such as I really enjoy writing, I will use them to outweigh all my weak areas for the future essay. Comment by Lisa Quigley: Thank you for your insightful reflections!☺️

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition

Are you ready to write Touchstone 3?

The informative essay below provides an example of an advanced level revision for
Prompt A: Image Analysis. As you read through the revised informative essay, notice
how the author improved her essay relative to the first draft by strengthening her thesis
statement, removing unnecessary words and sentences, revising sentences for variety,
and eliminating non-objective language. This sample revision employs effective
strategies to improve the composition and reflects thoughtfully on the revision process.
______________________________________________________________________
Kaitlin Thompson

English Composition I

February 3, 2018

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

Flipping through a magazine while sitting in a waiting room, hearing ads on the

radio, or being exposed to billboards and television commercials are daily occurrences

for most people. In fact, it’s difficult to escape advertisements in our daily lives. How

does this onslaught of persuasive rhetoric affect people? And how can consumers resist

being manipulated into believing a certain product or service can improve their lives? A

careful analysis of advertisements can reveal the techniques advertisers use, as well as

evaluate the effectiveness of those techniques. By examining the individual components

– targeted audience, purpose, and context – of an advertisement, one can more easily

understand

the overall meaning and effect of the ad on consumers.

This advertisement for Clear shampoo targets a female audience. This is evident

through the central placement of a female figure and her glorious, shining mane of hair.

The model’s dark hair and dark clothing, along with the muted, shadowy background,

invite the audience to look for visible signs of white, flaky dandruff. Of course, there are

none, which reinforces the advertisement’s textual message of “Zero dandruff.” Visually,

the ad succeeds in making a clear link between the shampoo itself and the promise of

no dandruff.

Other signs pointing toward a female audience are more nuanced. The overall

look of the ad is sleek and soft. Aside from the model and her hair, the most prominent

image is the block of text which addresses the audience directly. Using a persuasive

tone, the text encourages the audience to contact the company for tips on managing

hair plagued by dandruff. There is also an offer of a free product sample, a technique

that appeals to many consumers. This context is an opportunity for the company, both

Comment [SL1]: You’ve done a great job revising the
thesis. It now states the specific elements of the
advertisement you will discussing, and maintains an
objective tone.

Comment [SL2]: I noticed you removed some unnecessary
details in this paragraph. The flow of the paragraph is much
smoother now.

Comment [SL3]: You did a lot of great revision work in this
paragraph. You corrected previous issues with punctuation,
sentence completeness, and word choice.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

in the

visual components of the ad and through the promised text message, to extol the

virtues of its own shampoo. Clear shampoo, it promises, is powered by Cleartech Soft”

(although this term is not defined for the viewer) and essential oils, which will make hair

“up to 4 times softer and shinier.” The model in the ad does indeed have hair which

appears to be very soft and shiny, underscoring this point. In this way, the ad

successfully links the context and imagery to effectively target a female audience who

may be interested in – or in need of – a dandruff shampoo.

The text in the center of the advertisement – “Say no to dandruff” – suggests that

women have the power to choose beautiful, shiny hair over limp or problem hair. This is

an empowering idea that will likely appeal to a young woman concerned with her

appearance. Simply by using this product, women can take control of how they are

perceived by the world. It is the woman who makes the choice, and she makes the

choice by not accepting anything less than gorgeous, perfect hair. The model’s

enigmatic expression reinforces this idea of the woman being in control.

As a whole, the ad appears soft and subtly compelling. Its simplicity targets key

stereotypes of women as the intended audience: women are soft, emotionally and

physically. The text encourages women to stand up for themselves and just “say no,”

playing into the stereotype that women are not assertive enough and too often passively

accept things rather than try to change them. This also implies that instead of acting,

women are more concerned with appearance and feelings. The text “No dandruff. Just

fabulous hair” at the bottom of the advertisement tells the consumer that if her hair is

fabulous, she, also, will look and feel fabulous. The link between physical appearance Comment [SL4]: Nice addition of supporting details here.
Now the reader has a better idea of what other stereotypes
the ad perpetuates.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

and emotional well-being is clearly implied, and specifically targeted at women. Appeals

to stereotype are not particularly attractive when broken down in this manner, but at a

brief glance, these techniques are extremely effective in advertising. The application

may be different in different ads, but the result is the same: playing on stereotypical

attributes of women in order to send clear signals about the intended audience of the

product.

The advertisement relies on a dark background, a prominent image of a dark-

haired model, and a smaller, but still noticeable, image of the product. The image draws

clear parallels meant to evoke a response in the audience: the model has shiny, healthy

looking hair; she uses Clear shampoo; if I use Clear shampoo, I will also have shiny,

healthy-looking, dandruff-free hair. In this way, the ad is successful in its mission to

relate the primary benefits of the product in a way which is memorable and clear.

A close analysis of the components of this advertisement reveals that the visual

image, along with the chosen context, clearly targets a female audience. The color

scheme, image placement, product information, and choice of a dark-haired, mysterious

model appeal to certain aspects of a gender stereotype. Women are presented with a

visual image along with information for how to contact the company, which implies that

women (should) think more deeply about the products they buy. Women are also

encouraged to focus on how they will look and feel as a result of using the product. The

advertisement successfully exploits these arguably stereotypical ideas in targeting

women, and a stereotypical female consumer may well react favorably to them.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

Think About Your Writing:

1. How much time did you spend revising your draft? Which revision strategies

did you use, and which of them worked best for you? (2-3

sentences)

I probably took about a week to revise my draft. After I got my comments back, I read

through the essay again, and then put it away for a couple of days. Then I went through

the essay again, marking where I could incorporate the changes suggested by the

evaluator. Over three days, I spent about 6 hours of dedicated work making changes

and proofreading the final copy twice.

2. How did the revision process improve your essay? (2-3 sentences)

I really think the essay flows a lot more smoothly now, since I was able to focus on

ideas instead of the individual ads. I also think that changing the language that I used

made the essay more dynamic and fun to read. I made certain that each paragraph

contained only relevant details and that at the end of my discussion of each idea, I

explained how the discussion was relevant to my thesis statement. I think that this made

my essay sound more professional and cohesive.

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

3. What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? (2-3

sentences)

I learned so much about myself as a writer during this course. I learned that I really

need to think about what I want to say before I write, or I tend to write in a very simplistic

manner. Also, I learned that it is ok to write a first draft that gets all of the ideas down on

paper, and then go back and revise it in terms of structure or content so that it makes

more sense. I think it took less time for me to do this than it usually takes for me to write

a single draft because I’m always so concerned about getting everything right the first

time. Revising my drafts made me much more confident in my writing and my ideas.

COPY OF TOUCHSTONE 2.2 SUBMISSION

Flipping through a magazine while sitting in a waiting room, hearing adds on the

radio, or being exposed to billboards and television commercials are daily occurrences

for most people. In fact, it’s difficult to escape advertisements in our daily lives. How

does this onslaught of persuasive rhetoric affect people? And how can consumers resist

being manipulated into believing a certain product or service can improve their lives? A

careful analysis of advertisements can reveal the techniques advertisers use, as well as

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I

evaluate the effectiveness of those techniques. I think we should all learn to analyze

images so that we can better understand their meanings and possible effects. By

examining the individual components of an advertisement, I can more easily understand

the overall meaning and effect of the ad on consumers.

This advertisement for Clear shampoo targets a female audience. This is evident

through the central placement of a female figure and her glorious, shining mane of hair.

Many ads use beautiful women in their advertisements. The model’s dark hair and dark

clothing, along with the muted, shadowy background, invite the audience to look for

visible signs of white, flaky dandruff. Of course, there are none, which reinforces the

advertisement’s textual message of “Zero dandruff.” Visually, the ad succeeds in

making a clear link between the shampoo itself and the promise of no dandruff.

Other signs pointing toward a female audience are more nuanced. The overall

look of the ad is sleek and soft. Aside from the model and her hair, the most prominent

image is the block of text which addresses the audience directly. Using a persuasive

tone, the text encourages the audience to contact the company for tips on managing

hair plagued by dandruff. Also an offer of a free product sample, a technique that

appeals to many consumers. This context is an opportunity for the company, both in the

visual components of the ad and through the promised text message, to extol the

virtues of its own shampoo. Clear shampoo, it promises, is powered by Cleartech Soft”

(whatever that means) and essential oils, which will make hair up to 4 times softer and

shinier. The model in the ad does indeed have hair which appears to be very soft and

shiny, underscoring this point. In this way, the ad successfully links the context and

Sophia Pathways for College Credit – English Composition I
SAMPLE TOUCHSTONE 4

imagery to effectively target a female audience that may be interested in – or in need of

– a dandruff shampoo.

The text in the center of the advertisement – “Say no to dandruff” – suggests that

women have the power to choose beautiful, shiny hair over limp or problem hair. This is

an empowering idea that will likely appeal to a young woman concerned with her

appearance. I don’t think being overly concerned with your appearance is necessarily a

good thing, but I know many women are. Simply by using this product, women can take

control of how they are perceived by the world. It is the woman who makes the choice,

and she makes the choice by not accepting anything less than gorgeous, perfect hair.

The model’s enigmatic expression reinforces this idea of the woman being in control.

As a whole, the ad appears soft and subtly compelling. Its simplicity targets key

stereotypes of women as the intended audience: women are soft, emotionally and

physically. The text encourages women to stand up for themselves and just “say no,”

playing into the stereotype that women are not assertive enough and too often passively

accept things rather than try to change them. The link between physical appearance